Submissive Women vs. Assertive Women - Which is Better?
85Would you rather be an assertive woman or an obedient woman?
Would you rather have a relationship with an assertive woman or an obedient woman?
In most cultures, assertiveness is valued a lot more than obedience. This is certainly true with men. Obedient men are usually considered weak or womanly.
When it comes to women, however, things become less clear.
Obedient Women, Culture, and Religion
Many Eastern cultures value obedient women a lot more than assertive women.
However, obedience in this case is more of an expectation or societal norm, rather than a choice. Obedience is not seen as an attractive quality that everyone should aspire to; certainly the men do not aspire to it. Instead, it is something that a good woman should be.
Western cultures have the same bias with regards to assertiveness being better than obedience, but there is less pressure for women to be obedient. Strangely however, Western religions, in particular Christianity and Judaism have similar expectations of obedience from women as do Eastern cultures.
Even more surprising is that Eastern religions such as Buddhism and Hinduism are more in step with Western culture, and do not demand obedience from their women.
Assertive vs. Obedient
Being assertive is a more valued property than obedience because evolutionary wise, assertive societies are more successful.
Assertive societies with strong leaders tend to gain more territory, capture more resources, and spread more of their culture than obedient or passive societies, which are more likely to become conquered.
As a result, our prevailing culture, is one that values being assertive over being obedient.
Assertive men and women are more likely to acquire and accumulate more resources than obedient men and women. Since evolutionary success is commonly used as a yardstick for measuring our lifetime success, it is the assertive people who win.
Is an Assertive Woman Superior to an Obedient Woman?
Because of this evolutionary perspective, many of us see assertive women as being superior to obedient women.
However, human society has progressed beyond this evolutionary directive that is fueled by conflict and survival. Today, we live in relative peace, and most nations no longer harbor ambitions of land expansion and conquest. Instead, nations try to cooperate and trade for the betterment of all.
Since we are moving away from a model of conflict to a model of cooperation, it makes sense to re-evaluate the roles of assertive women and obedient women in our society.
Advantages of Obedient Women
1. Obedient women have a larger social circle.
Obedient women tend to have a larger circle of friends. They are less threatening, and much more enjoyable as companions because they are willing to go with the flow. In contrast, an assertive woman will create more strife and dissension.
As a result, obedient women have a larger support system, and are arguably happier because of the friendships that they naturally attract. Whenever there is a crisis, she can easily turn to her friends for comfort and support.
2. Obedient Women are compatible with more men.
Our prevailing culture is such that men are expected to lead and women are expected to follow. This usually gets enforced since childhood from children stories, school dynamics, as well as parental and societal expectations.
As a result, there are probably more assertive men, than there are obedient men.
Obedient women can get along with both types of men. Most obedient women prefer relationships with assertive men because they will complement each other's strengths and weaknesses. However, because they are more easy going, obedient women can also forge successful relationships with more obedient men.
Assertive women, on the other hand, are likely to clash with assertive men, and as a result, have a smaller number of compatible mates to choose from.
3. Obedient women live a life with fewer conflicts.
Obedient women have a Zen-like nature. For the most part, they are happy to let others set the agenda, and they are happy to play a role in making that agenda a success.
This does not mean that the obedient woman will just take on a supporting role. In fact, she may assume the bulk of the heavy lifting to ensure that the plan succeeds.
An obedient woman prefers to take things as they come rather than try to bend things to her will. This natural Zen-like quality makes her life more worry free, and frequently leads to greater happiness.
However, as pointed out by cindyvine, this assumes that both people in the relationship care enough for each other that they want to keep mutual hurt to a minimum.
Unfortunately, if an obedient woman enters into a relationship with a self-centered male, who is also abusive, then she may find herself trapped under his barrage of attacks, with little alternative but to accept it.
In contrast a more assertive woman would have ended the bad relationship early on and saved herself a lot of pain.
4. Obedient women are able to live in greater harmony with the world.
Obedient women are usually better at resolving conflicts and living in harmony with the people around them.
In life, there will be many instances where conflict occurs. During times of conflict, somebody has to back down and take a more passive position. If this does not occur, the conflict will escalate and end up hurting everyone involved.
Opting to back away from a possibly explosive situation does not make an obedient woman weak. Rather, it is the most expeditious way to bring the conflict to an end and restore harmony with the least amount of emotional damage.
It is a mistake to assume that obedient women do not have any needs or goals of their own.
They simply value harmony over conflict and are willing to put their own egos on hold to achieve that harmony.
Advantages of Assertive Women
1. Assertive women are more successful at accumulating resources.
Assertive women are better at accumulating resources including money, fame, and material goods. There is a lot of competition for resources, so it takes an assertive personality to not only acquire those resources, but also to hold on to them.
Assertive women tend to hold high-powered jobs, and are comfortable leading large teams of men and women towards their vision of what is right.
2. Assertive women are more likely to bring on change.
Assertive women have their own vision of how things ought to be. They are also willing and able to do whatever it takes to achieve that vision.
When an assertive woman disagrees with current societal norms, she will not back down or be held back by criticism. Instead, she has the confidence and spirit to forge ahead and fight for change.
In the end, assertive women have done much to create a less repressive social environment for women everywhere. It is a good thing that we have women who will speak out for themselves and for all other women.
3. Assertive women are confident and sure of themselves.
Assertive women do not look to others for confirmation and approval. They are less concerned about what others think and want, and more concerned about their own needs and goals.
Confidence begets more confidence.
As a result, assertive women are able to fight through great adversity, and emerge with greater strength than before.
What is your current temperament?
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See results without votingAssertive Women vs. Obedient Women
So which is better - assertive women or obedient women? Which should you aspire to be? Or which should you look for in a relationship?
Most women are not one or the other. They usually have elements of both. However, their temperament, upbringing, and experiences may push them towards one end or the other.
As with all things, balance is crucial. We do not want to be too assertive and not give way when we should. We also do not want to be too obedient so that none of our own needs and goals are met.
Every individual has a different equilibrium assertive/obedient level, and this level may change as we change and the people around us change.
What is most important is to always be open to both of these qualities, and not just accept the flawed belief that being assertive is always superior.
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I have had to hide some of the comments because Google AdSense objects to the use of certain keywords, that it construes to be adult in nature, and therefore not suited for our virtuous sensibilities.
It is interesting to consider that machines are, in some sense, now dictating social morality to us, and defining which words are socially acceptable, and which others are not. I know that I will be a lot more careful now in the words that I choose to write my articles, and I am sure this will affect my every day use of language as well.
But I digress, I wanted to apologize to all those who have left very good comments, that are now hidden. Some of my responses have also been hidden for the same reason. I appreciate all of your insights, and value all of your discussions.
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I think submissive women work better to maintain family happy and stable in the long term. Besides I like this kind of girls, they are cute.
Hi Aya,
Well, I just created a hubpages account, (annoyingly, it doesn't seem to allow underscores in usernames, so I can't claim my prior anonymous posts) in no small part due to your excellent blog.
After reading this article and posting here, I've since read many of your other articles, and each one gives me a new way of looking at things that I never thought about before. Your insight and perspective on relationships is unique and entertaining.
I think many of us (or at least I do...) have much to learn in this subject, and you have so much knowledge in this area to enlighten us.
...Not to mention the the cool CG graphics!
Anyway, obviously I don't know you personally, but keep on being awesome! :)
Basically, a simplified analogy could be made to music?
Harmony vs Counterpoint, or alternatively one of these three scenarios:
Polyphonic/Contrapuntal Texture:
- Both melodies/people are assertive and have equal importance. I don't know how this would work outside of music, but I'm sure that there are at least a few cases.
Homophonic Texture (Melody Complimented by Harmony):
- Male is dominant (the melody)
- Female is dominant (the melody)
Ok, so my analogy is a bit silly, but I had to mention it. It was the first thing I thought when I read this article, actually.
The comparisons that you made to various religions was interesting as well.
I won't deny it, I'm a male who is totally attracted to submissive women. They really turn me on, and I don't care if people give me a hard time for feeling that way. I also don't understand why that word is considered a pejorative.
I like a woman who is agreeable and puts others ahead of herself, even if that makes her not seem ambitious. I don't want to mistreat her or anything of the sort, and I certainly don't think they are unintelligent. They are doing the world a service by helping others, many of whom are more opinionated (and I'll admit, more selfish) than they are, and I have a tremendous respect for that sort of group ethic they exibit. Women like this are likely to make good mother, because they are (most likely) willing to stay home and take care of children.
I don't think I'm passive or agressive, I only want to treat her with respect, and I'd rather she compliment my role rather than try to challenge or compete with it.
Also, there are lots of men out there who are attracted to the more aggressive types, so no worries to women who don't fit that archetype. I just so happen to not be among those men.
Finally, I don't think that women who are intellectual or scientific types are excluded from this role; I think that some women are happy doing this role, and others are not.
Thank you aya it is a great hub and this answer is for cassidy
Mostly your control freak anti-feminist overly agressive men like subservient women. I'm not saying masculine men, I'm talking about the guys who feel like they have to prove their manliness by being an asshole.
There are plenty of masculine men who like smart, independent women. In fact, I find those types of men very attractive because it shows they are not closet wimps who are secretly afraid of equal women.
I have never read anything more idiotic and misinformed in my life. First, you need to understand the difference between assertive, and aggressive. Second you really need to do some research into gender studies. I noticed your article has no sources for your so-called "facts"
Women should want to be obedient because thats what men like?! Are you kidding me? Maybe its the men who should change, not the strong, confident, self-assured woman.
Have you ever recieved any post-seconday education? I doubt it because this article reads like it was written by someone who never made it to grade 10 english class.
I think there are men who like to be the assertive one in a relationship, and men who like the woman to take control. There are of course the extremes: men who want practically a slave/woman with no opinion and no disagreement. And men who want to be completely owned. I think with the extremes there are obviously issues there. But a successful "ideal" relationship is one in which both partners contribute and are respected by the other. And most importantly, valued and loved unconditionally.
I see it over and over in movies. Man sees independent girl, sassy intelligent, who does not need a man. Man and woman fall in love, and that is when man wants the woman to still be herself, but allow him some authority in the relationship. So in a way he wants a little of both. I don't think it's an exact balance, and that it depends on the man.
I really feel like my partner expects both at times. It's confusing. He wants to be the man and know he's respected and ultimately give the final word, but I think otherwise he wants me to be my own woman and be independent. Sometimes I feel like he wished I was more assertive than I naturally am. But if I get too sassy and don't need him at all, he gets hurt and withdrawals. So I really feel maybe men wants the best of both.
the funniest part if i can say funniest, is that some men go from one type to the other, can leave a submissive for a dominant and vice-versa. maybe ideal is to try both n then decide what suits best. in my case i had a sweet love-dovy relationship with a loving caring boyfriend who in the end cheated on me with a manipulative controlling bitch. i guess he needed someone to decide for him n not "feel with him" i can understand. now my pain is gone but before it was a struggle for me to be compared on a personality level with the one who replaced me. facts are our relation lasted 3 years while theirs was more..volatile but who knows maybe more intense? i sympathyse coz i am over him totally but myself can go from controlling man who kinda dominates me to a sweet man who fills me with his tender loving care:) human...my best of is a mix of both types, just like everyone i guess.wont go for assholes heartbreakers for the sake of the challenge n wont go for boring nice guys either...
Submissive women do not have wider social circles. Nonsense. Why are there only two options for women? Both extremes indicate problems that need to be dealt with. Both men and women are fully capable of being assertive (aka healthy) without being either submissive or aggressive.
Oh please! The submissive woman is a complete idiot. No right thinking man wants a submissive dodo. Right thinking men love assertive women. Assertive women tell it like it is. No BS and pussyfooting.
I have been told that I lack tact-so what! I am happy and was successful. Submissive women are an endangered species and is going by way of the dinosaur. Even though I was quiet, I had a very strong argumentative side. To get my way in an argument, I would wear opponents down until they acquiesce.
As a child, I was told that I was stubborn and hardharded by my relatives. I was also told that I did not follow instructions well although I was an above average student all my life. I do not play well with others-so what! Iam me. Guess who was the most successful in my family-me! I believe in getting my way and to be successful. All the other obedient dolts in my family were failures in their jobs, never achieved much. Women, be assertive and people will respect you more. Amen.
Guess I am much too strong-willed to be submissive to anyone. Luckily my man can handle a woman as feisty as he is!
So thrilled I stumbled upon you. Wish I had of and would have thought so in the 18 months here.
Not only really liked this hub but got me thinking of how much I have changed and why. very kewl.
Up until around 30, I was very aggressive, sometimes too much so. Fearless, determined, constantly travelling and was not ever swaying from 'I say who, I say when, I say where, I say how' approached. Clearly received very well and never steered me wrong.
At around 30 I was so tired. Ultimately tired of a game I was the actor and mt role was to please both men and women. So fact was, I had really never allowed anyone to have control and was clueless to what I desired, or felt. I continue to enjoy being passive, controlled and led, for many reasons but thank you for saying;
t is a mistake to assume that obedient women do not have any needs or goals of their own. They simply value harmony over conflict and are willing to put their own egos on hold to achieve that harmony.
Your latest fan
Kimberly
I am struggling with the attempt to work both together. I believe that I was issued the wrong "handbook" when I was born. I am assertive, verging on aggressive. I work with all men. I hold my own.
This article really opened my eyes to some interesting facts that I never contemplated before. I am hoping that my MALE professor, with whom I am not able to communicate sees this as a reliable source for citation. I found it to be extremely helpful, even if he does not.
I thank you.
A little bit of both seems like the best deal
going back to primal times when women relied on man for protection and bore there children the birthing part still stands true as does the protection thing wether feminist want to admit or not its biology i mean some women complain when men try to control or dominate them, but have you ever heard a man complain when his women listen and respects him no infact men expect that from his girlfriend all guys are deep down are dominate all girls deep down are submissive its in our hard wirring. Even bata males are alpha males inside and assertive women are submissive women inside i am only 17 and dating a 16 year old girl but as a man i know what i want she does have feminist ideals but im training it out of her its taking awhile but is fun shes not my first girlfriend but she is the first one i have desided to train she does not know it yet but she will be tamed by this summer infact shes invited me over to her house this weekend when her parents are out of town for a home cooked meal she could'nt cook when I started with her but ive got her taking lessons for me so im looking forward to tasting her cooking after all the way to a mans heart his throgh his stomach and a 17 yar old man is no exeption just like all women need to know how to cook and clean and a 16 year old women is no exeption so yeah i cant speak for all men just myself or all women just my girlfriend but i can say biology even socilly assertive women vs obedient women the latter is the better for all, man so they have someone to protect(serving that primal need)care for there offspring and look after the house and women so they have someone to protect them and punish them when they disobey an alpha male(serving there primal need) everyone wins
A well written and balanced analysis. I think a vast majority of men are comfortable with submissive women, by nature.
dont visit the website yet
and this is sexy crazy @$&*(& stuff
I like it both ways sweet Aya-chan. Either one gets boring over time, so the wisdom of a woman is to feel when to switch modes. Actually it refers to men, too :)
Men prefer softer women, so it isn't always a good idea for a woman to dominate her man, if he doesn't want it.
Me a bad girl..never.. where is that darn whip.
Wow, Aya. You make some good points. I think it's a great discussion topic, and a very excellent hub.
I'll back down on my 'manipulation is always wrong' stance based on your explanation. You're right. It was much the same way with me growing up. Accept what is given as truth and take it with a smile and without a comment. I wasn't brave enough until I was well into my teens to challenge that, though. You seem to be a stronger person.
Thank's Aya. I'm not saying that Christian men that love their wives are a dime a dozen but we are out there, and serving our sweethearts with joy because everyday we have with them is a gift from God.
There's a time and place for both types all in the same package, so I couldn't pick one or the other. I guess I'll try both and get back to you.
I am both. Depends who I'm playing opposite. Give me a strong man, I'll happily submit for a time. A weak man in need of mothering, I can do that too, for a time. But if someone lets me dominate for too long... I get bored. Everyone girl likes a smack on the ass now and again. Well, don't they?
I am attracted to a strong woman. I've never thought the "yes dear" woman that can't make a decision or won't make a decision is good for anyone. My first wife was very dominate and I cow-towed to her and served her faithfully for 16 of the 20 yrs. we were married but it was never enough. I would do dishes but if she ran into a spoon or something in another room she would tell me it was as if I didn't do anything to help her. My current wife is strong as well but she will appreciate my help when I cook or clean. The house is her house and she runs it but says I am the "head of the house". This is all in the Biblical model and I love it. She can get me to do just about anything and smile while I do it. I could ask her to do just about anything and she will do what I ask. We both try to use our brains and she deferrs to me for final "up in the air" matters. She handles the money because I stink doing it and she does a wonderful job. She is my ideal woman.
I totally agree with you that both genders use it, and you have hit the nail on the head when you say it cuts both ways, good and bad. The same can be said for brute force (stereo typically male) power. Bullying is bad, but stepping in and punching some mugger in the face to save a poor damsel in distress is not. So ultimately, it comes down the much squishier dynamic of human relationships: intent matters, methods not so much.
Which I suppose is probably a massive deviation from the point above, so, I go back to it by saying, there is not much hawter than a sumptuous vixen clad in shimmering leather standing long-legged and dictatorial above you commanding you to pleasure her. I'm fine with that.
:P
I think everyone's relationship is different and they each have to work out the terms for themselves.
My oldest daughter showed up 9 months after we were married, so we didn't have a whole lot of "no kids" time after marriage, but we did live together before we were married. I worked full time, just like he did. I still took care of most of the housework because that's how I was raised, and I enjoy doing it. It's a stress reliever for me to grab a bottle of bleach and scrub the you-know-what out of the tile or the counters or the toilets. And nothing feels or smells better than warm-from-the-dryer clothes. There's something satisfying to me about doing laundry. Maybe I'm just sick. But if I was working full time and my husband was at home with the kids, I'd probably expect him to do a little more.
But that's just me. What do you think?
How about somewhere in between. A good "partner."
There's a saying "Nice girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere." Very true.





















Jean 2 weeks ago
I am a little dismayed,in fact totally angry and please don't anyone get their feelings all hurt when I write this but, I am a Christian woman who believes in following God's plan. But you all know that the man is to serve his wife in a loving sacrificial way, which if you are able to understand these general terms, this means that there are many times when he will bend over for his woman. It's not always that the woman is to be submissive. We over use the term.....and boy do we over use it. This is why women have gotten so filled with anger. God knew what He was doing when he devised His plan. You all keep overlooking God's whole plan. Go back and read His whole word on a marriage!! So if a man loves a woman and she has her own mind, he can still love and respect her.His feelings don't have to be so sensitive. The world is not all about a man or a husband. there are areas where he should not tread. We must remember that respect goes both ways. We are always talking about not hurting our man's feelings and respecting him. People please don't do that. See....we get into trouble when we harp on the woman being submissive part but never talk about the part that God instructed men on, which tells him to love his wife as Christ loved the Church. We have an over abundance of articles in this country and this world that always seem to lecture, only the woman on her responsibilities. But we must be fair and tell the men what their responsibliites are too. It is okay if the man serves his woman too. That's part of his role.
And you all wonder why there are women who post comments with rude statements. And you all attack back, because you think that women should not have opinions about their own business. We are all mixed up and grossly unfair to our points of view and treatment of women. I am nice, but I am not easily intimidated by any man or any woman. We have got to do it right.