Children, Divorce - Helping Your Children Deal with the Effects of Divorce

A divorce is never a pleasant experience.

However, in a divorce, it is the children, who are often the biggest loser.

I do not think that couples should stay together in an unhappy or bad relationship solely to provide a family structure for their children. If both parents are unhappy, the constant, everyday stresses will be unhealthy for everyone involved, including the children.

If a divorce is necessary, here are some things that may help make the transition less painful for your children.

My parents went through a bitter divorce when I was very young. Even today, that experience greatly colors how I deal with men, relationships, and life.

1. Establish a routine as soon as possible.

Divorce is a time of great uncertainty, especially for the children. Look at it from their point of view; suddenly there are all these unpleasant changes that they don't understand, and that they have absolutely no control of. In this environment, it is easy to get stressed, depressed, and feel unloved.

Quickly establish a routine so that your children can start feeling safe again.

It helps a child to know when she stays with mom, and when she stays with dad. Try not to change that schedule until things calm down. However, always be aware of and responsive to your children's needs and preferences.

2. Communicate with your children.

Help your children understand what is happening. Also help them address uncomfortable questions that may arise from their friends at school.

Many parents think that the best way to protect their children is to shield them from all unpleasantness, by keeping most things secret.

This, I believe, is a mistake. It only creates more uncertainty, confusion, and a feeling that what is happening is somehow wrong or sinful, and something to be ashamed of.

3. Try and be civil in front of your children.

This can be a challenge, but it is important not to argue, or have violent disagreements in front of your children. During a divorce, it is important for both parents to provide a united, and balanced front.

You must be calm and in charge, so that your children will not be afraid about their uncertain future. If you do not show your children a united front, they will most likely pick up on that energy, and start to rebel.

If there is nobody in charge, your children may feel that they need not follow any rules.

4. Leave the past behind.

The best way to get your children to move-on from the divorce is to move-on yourself.

Let go of all the anger, and bitterness.

It may not have been a fair breakup, and you may not have even wanted a breakup, but the best thing to do is to move-on. Find some happiness with good friends, and be open to someone new and more compatible.

1. Do not demand that your children take sides.

In a divorce, there is great temptation to get your children to pick a side. The more bitter the divorce, the greater the temptation to solicit support from your children.

If there is a third party involved, for example, a future stepmother or stepfather, it is practically impossible not to feel very hurt, jealous, and angry.

But you should try your very best to keep your children out of it.

• Do not bad-mouth your ex to your children.
• Do not demand that they show loyalty only to you.
• Do not instruct them to be hostile to your ex's new partner.

Instead, encourage them to get along with everyone.

Getting your children to choose sides will only end up hurting them, and deepen the emotional stress on the entire family. In the end, everyone, including you, loses.

2. Do not use your children as tools to exact vengeance on your ex.

Do not use access to your children as a threat during divorce settlements, and do not use your children to exact vengeance.

Children benefit from being with both parents.

Let them spend equal time with the both of you, Make sure, they understand, that you are both there for them whenever they need it.

Of course, this does not apply if your ex is physically or verbally abusive in any way.

3. Do not try to buy love and loyalty.

In a divorce, it is natural to feel vulnerable and want to ensure the love of your children.

You may want to buy you children's love through outrageous presents, fewer rules, or by granting special privileges. There is a temptation to trump your ex by providing your children with a sweeter deal so that they will choose you over your ex.

This is a very dangerous, and ultimately destructive game to play. It is important for you and your ex to stand together and provide a consistent set of rules for your children. It is important to show your children that they cannot manipulate you by playing one against the other.

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