Cheating Spouse - Dealing with a Cheating Spouse
82Chances are, you have thought about cheating on your spouse.
Chances are, you have probably acted on it too. Infidelity or cheating on a spouse/partner is such a popular topic because we have all probably experienced it in one form or another in our lives.
The cheating spouse is so common because it is biologically the natural thing to do. Scientists have found that sexual monogamy is extremely rare in the animal kingdom.
Fighting our cheating heart, is fighting our natural biological instinct.
That is why it is so hard to do.
Why Do Spouses Cheat?
The simple answer is because we are biologically wired to do so.
It is in our instinct to cheat on our spouse. Biologists have found that even animals that practice social monogamy (the animal equivalent of marriage), frequently do not practice sexual monogamy.
Here are some interesting statistics:
- Social monogamy is relatively rare in the animal kingdom.
- Over 90% of avian species are socially monogamous.
- Only 3% of mammalian species are socially monogamous, but 15% of primate species are socially monogamous.
- Sexual monogamy is even more rare among animals.
- 30% or more baby birds are not sired by the resident male, even though 90% of birds are socially monogamous. Those cheating birds!
In fact, a recent study shows that males historically fathered children with several women. Sexual monogamy is a more recent add-on.
Have you cheated on your spouse or partner? Why?
See results without votingHowever, just because it is in our biological instinct to cheat on our spouse, does not mean that we have to cheat.
After all, we are self-aware, and also very aware of the possible consequences of cheating on our spouse. Having supposedly risen from the animal kingdom, we are no longer a slave to our instincts, right?
Yet many of us still cheat on our spouse. Why?
- Lack of connection - The daily stresses of living so closely with someone can create a disconnect or even dislike for that person. This is especially true if there are frequent disagreements, or arguments that are left unresolved.
- Boredom - It is natural that once we have experienced something many times, it is no longer interesting or exciting to us. If there is little or no variation in our sexual interactions with our partners, it will eventually lead to mutual boredom. Keeping a monogamoussex life interesting can be a lot of work.
- Too much temptation - A person is less likely to cheat if there are fewer opportunities for them to cheat. Since most people spend much of their time away from home, at work, that is where most affairs start. Workplace conditions including the amount of travelling, attractiveness of co-workers, and number of co-workers of the opposite sex, all have a role to play in infidelity.
Do you think that cheating is wrong?
See results without votingIs Cheating on Our Spouse Wrong?
Most Americans think so. Here are some interesting statistics:
- 90 percent of Americans believe adultery is morally wrong.
- 61 percent of Americans thought adultery should not be a crime in the United states; 35 percent thought it should; 4 percent had no opinion.
- 86% of men and 81% of women admit they routinely flirt with the opposite sex.
- About 60 percent of men and 40 percent of women will have an affair at some point in some marriage. ~~ [Monogamy Myth, Therapist Peggy Vaugn]
Not surprisingly, most people think that cheating on a spouse is wrong, but most of them do it anyway.
Dealing with a Cheating Spouse 1
Threats and surveillance
You can try and stop a spouse from cheating through the use of surveillance and the threat of divorce.
The internet is full of services including private investigators, automated spy software, and high-tech sensors such as RFID tags, small cameras, and recording hardware that can help you track down and catch that lying, cheating, spouse.
If there is a great likelihood of getting caught in an affair, your spouse may think twice before cheating. Furthermore, a threat of divorce, taking the children, and exacting a steep financial cost, may further deter a cheating spouse.
However, this method of deterrence will hardly help to forge a healthy or enjoyable relationship with your spouse. If the relationship has gotten this bad and there is so little trust, we may want to consider whether it is still worth saving.
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Dealing with a Cheating Spouse 2
Have an open relationship
I personally enjoy social monogamy, but I do not think that sexual monogamy is a necessary part of it. Having a special someone to share your deepest thoughts, feelings, and even just everyday opinions with, makes life really worth living. However, it may not always be necessary to demand sexual exclusivity.
As long as your partner/friend/lover/spouse is fulfilling all of your needs, why is sexual infidelity such a big deal?
I personally would have more problems with a spouse who spends no time with me, regardless of whether his affair is with a person or with an activity such as gambling, online gaming, or even golf!
With an open relationship, both sides are allowed to have sexual relations with other partners as long as they are responsible about their sexual practices. Some couples are comfortable discussing their lovers with each other, while others are less so. There should also be an understanding of priorities, and time commitments. Your resident partner should always come first, and everyone should understand that.
The biggest challenge of having an open relationship is dealing with the jealousy that will invariably arise. Your spouse's current lover may be extremely attractive, or extremely successful, and you may feel threatened that he/she will displace your position. However, one should also realize that such opportunities will arise whether you have an open relationship or not.
There is always the possibility that your spouse may decide to replace you with someone else. Having an open relationship, I believe, significantly reduces that possibility. Even though your spouse has the option of exploring sexual interactions with others, he/she will prefer to share a socially monogamous relationship with you because there is greater shared history, shared interests, and a shared understanding of each other's sexual needs.
Would you end your relationship if you caught your partner cheating?
See results without votingDealing with a Cheating Spouse 3
Adopt a don't ask, don't tell policy
Allow your spouse to cheat, but pretend not to know. Or cheat on your spouse, but do not tell him/her about it.
I know some people who adopt this policy and it usually works out. Nobody discovers the affairs, and everybody goes about their business. While this option may work for short periods of time, it can ultimately lead to great unhappiness if you are ever forced to face up to reality.
I personally think that it is difficult to maintain this option for the long term. There are always things that you must hide from your partner, and there are always things that you cannot ask because you are afraid of the answer. This only leads to uncomfortable conversations, emotional pretension, and an increasing weakness in the relationship, as you slowly drift away from each other.
In the end, what is left are a fake version of you and a fake version of your spouse.
In the long term, this option is the most dangerous, and can destroy not only your relationship but also your friendship with your spouse.
What is the best method for dealing with cheating?
See results without votingDealing with a Cheating Spouse 4
Keep eyes on you
Finally, it is also possible to discourage your spouse from cheating by making things interesting and enjoyable for him/her at home. While having arguments is an unavoidable fact of life, make sure that you reduce the frequency of those arguments, and make sure that they are quickly resolved. Let little things go, because nitpicking is a quick way to drive your spouse into someone else's arms.
Make sure to show your appreciation for your spouse, not just verbally, but also physically, with frequent embraces, kisses, or even just holding hands. Physical affection can go a long way.
Keep your sex life interesting by getting sexy underwear, role-playing, and taking vacations where the kids stay with grandpa and grandma.
Have date-nights, where you and your spouse dress-up and enjoy a romantic evening alone every week. Do not be ashamed to discuss sex with your spouse. Through communication, you can enhance your sex life, and improve your overall relationship.
While this is no guarantee that your spouse won't cheat on you, it will certainly encourage him/her to spend time with you rather than with someone else.
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I think the angle you are looking at it is not too productive. For me the key point is lying to your spouse/partner. If you have a lie between you, your relatioship is severely damaged, no matter what exactly this lie is.
As for the having affairs in any way - this is not something that can be solved under current set of mainstream Western moral values, but does not cause any problem if you don't look at your partner as your property, and have mutual agreement to allow for affairs. Works like a charm for me :)
This requires a serious emotional effort to overcome jealosy, but the result is well worse the effort. :)
I tend to think one cheats, be it his/her partner, his colleague/friend/client when he doesn't have a high regard of himself. One has to build up the interior, or the foundation, before the rest can rest safely on it.
[G-Ma Johnson] Thank you for visiting. Thank you for pointing out that this article is too general. After reading all your comments, I have made some fairly big changes. Hopefully it now has something more specific to say rather than just general musings.
[Benson] You touch on a very interesting topic. I think that people often cheat because their passion is so strong that they lose control for a small period of time. I think what speaks to a person's character is what they choose to do about it afterwards.
[Misha] What an interesting comment! Thank you for pointing out the weakness in this article. I have changed it based on your comment and I think it is better now :)
I actually agree with all that you said. I am hopeless at lying, so for me, an open relationship works out best. I don't generally find too many people who share this view though, so it is always fun to talk to someone like you! And yes I agree that the jealousy part can be difficult, especially when at that point in time your partner has a lover and you do not :) But I think that you face jealousy anyway in any kind of relationship. And I think the jealousy goes away after a while because the lovers come and go but the relationship is always the top priority.
You are welcome Aya, glad that I could be of some help :)
I am glad that we share this view, too - cause like you said it is not too often that people think and behave along those lines. I guess I should think about bringing grandparents in. ;)
And I agree about jealousy, too - when you see that nothing happens, and your partner stays with you despite of affairs - because s/he values you above all that things obviously - jealousy subsides and gives room to real trust between you two, which is based on the knowledge, not on belief :)
Hi
I have cheated my wife a number of times, some times I was under extreme stress from job and I have had to find a way to relieve, so I have utilised a MECHANISM , which never made any impact on my love, emotion or attachment to my wife. We still have our fantastic emotional and physical relationship.
I never felt guilty of cheating, because I have justified this pressure relieving or excitement in the MECHANISM myself.
Any readers,please don't get offended. I'm telling my feelings and view.
I caught my wife cheating...we decided she could keep seeing him...and I could go ahead and do my thing. We are both happy...and about to celebrate 28 years together. How did I catch her? http://www.signscheatinghusband.com ! Really!!
I wonder if there would be a difference in the results of your polls if you had them separately for men and women. From what I have read, many men do not think cheating is wrong and some even think it enhances the relationship with their wives. While women tend to go through a lot of emotional turmoil when they cheat, even if it is 'justified'. What do you think?
Hi Diana. I think there will probably be a big difference between men and women. Girls get brought up very differently from boys, and sadly, society has very different expectations of women than they do of men.
I read a hub recently about nudity, and how a girl committed suicide because her boyfriend posted nude pictures of her online. It seems to me that when men appear nude online, that actually improves their image whereas it is the opposite for women.
I think because of these societal norms (perpetuated by all of us, both men and women), it is easier for men to "cheat". Women get a lot more negative pressure for cheating, even from their family, friends, and relatives.
Personally, I think that it is most important to be honest with ourselves and to pick a lifestyle that we can enjoy. We should be honest with our life-partner as well, and pick one that is compatible and comfortable with our chosen lifestyle.
It is very unfortunate that there is this disparity between men and women's "freedoms", but that can become less of an issue by carefully choosing where you live.
Let me know what you think.
As a rule I don't like lying and cheating comes under the same bracket. BUT (and you know this as you read my hub about it) there are sometimes exceptions to the rule and I strongly believe in following my heart!
I guess if you are going to cheat it's only polite to let your current partner know and decide how they want to deal with it?
"I guess if you are going to cheat it's only polite to let your current partner know and decide how they want to deal with it?"
I believe that honesty is a very important component in a relationship. First of all, I try to be as honest as I can with myself. This allows me to make better decisions because all the information is available and as accurate as it can be.
I frequently examine my own relationship and look at its pros and cons. In this way, if there are issues, I can catch it and deal with it before it escalates. Also if the pros no longer outweigh the cons, then it may be time to consider a change.
In addition to self-honesty, honesty to one's partner is also important, *if* there is to be any kind of future relationship (even if it is just friendship). In this, it can be difficult to determine the right timing and content.
In terms of timing, I prefer to err on the early side. In terms of content, I prefer to err on the less side. :)
This is just my opinion - and there are probably more opinions on this topic than there are fish in the sea :)
There is really no "good" reason for cheating in a relationship. Though because of the way boys and girls are brought up, the men seems to be more favoured to do what they like; which is wrong. No one has the right to cheat the other in a relationship. This probably explains why men marry more than one wife while it is a taboo for the woman to marry more thn one husband.
You have given some wonderful tips here. Thanks for sharing!
people cheat just because they can i trust no one, there was a time when i could say my woman would never cheat on me now i know different she cheated on our anniversary it was last august but im still dealing with effects this is a woman who i take care of provide for and have kids by and i just dont understand how? I love her but i only stayed for the kids were together but i hate her for it, she told me having sex with him is nothing like the sex we have but if so why continue to have bad sex over and over maybe one day i will be able to forget about it but now its all about the kids.
Hello Bobby, Sorry for your pain.
My parents divorced when I was very young and it was not easy on me. However, I think it would have been worse if they had stayed together. They were not very compatible and at the end, didn't seem to like each other much.
I think they are both happier after the divorce because they can just move on.
Please don't take this as me telling you what to do :) I am not qualified and I don't know the details of your situation. But I hope some of what I said is relevant.
Taking care of your kids is important but so is taking care of yourself.
i met my husband when i was 16 and it was love at first site. we did not begin dating until 3 yrs later. I was alone in this romantic world always and knew it, i didnt allow myself or him reality. we have children together, 11 yr old, 7 yr old, and a 2 wk old baby. I always had my suspicions but never dug deep to find out - i did ask was told no affairs of cheats. 5 days before giving birth to our third child together I found out he cheated on 8 times with 2 different women in last 6 yrs. one of those women was my sister in law - prior to being involved with ny brother (the three of them decided it was better to keep this secret than for me to know, and poss have a choice or even voice in the matter!! the other women is a long term co-worker of my husbands and his "right hand man" at work/ she called his cell daily in the a.m and I spoke with her often greeting her with any thought to what might have been taking place.
there were huge issues and a ton of fights in our relationship. I can easily see how m demands and unrealistic approach to our relationship could and probably did drive him to other womens arms - it apparently was just sex and not the same as our marital relations. he claims to love me and im not sure if he knows what that means or if it is all guilt (we just had a baby that could be the bliss blind sighting him to the fact that I make him or he just isnt in this for the long hall)
I dont know. I cheating on him twice - 10 yrs ago and 8 yrs ago. both because i was lonely - there was no sex but perhaps 1 every 2 months with my spouse and definetley no communication. i told him of it immediately and sometimes before it happened out of desperation - I wanted his attention or to know that he would fight for me.it was crazy and i punished and shamed myself for yrs, never knowing that his was only yet to begin.
i dont know - i just had a baby and the bliss of all that is being robbed by this subject. I am a hiprocrit and in so much pain at the same time. I asked him on many occasions if he was cheating and the answer was a always a believable and sincere no. i am still justifying mine because I was desperate and made him aware prior to what actually happened and his was random with out any explanation - his sais because they had a few drinks and she was there.
we are going to start counciling but I am struggling in the mean time.
thanks for listening, no advice is needed because none can be taken rght now, please just share stories.
I have been cheated on numerous times. When confronted he told me it was all my fault. I guess he thinks I have a remote control for his penis. The second time he also blamed it on me. The third time he broke down crying and I said I am not arguing with you this time I know what u will say it is my fault.
He said no it was his fault,wow! Well I have changed drastically in personality because of all the pain.
What time he was having fun he was destroying who I was. I was a jokester, fun-loving, and carefree.
Now I am a paranoid person looking over my shoulder at every turn. I hate who I have become. My family worries about me.
So to all you men and women on this site who are lying to ur spouse and didn't take ur wedding vows seriously let me tell you, while you are having fun, you are killing your better half.
For all of you men and women who are honest and you both decide to have extra-marrital affairs, I personally couldn't share the person I love the most with anyone else and not care. wow you guys floor me, but whatever floats ur boat. I figure in the end your relationships will probably fail because they will find someone better they believe is better.
Lying to your partner is totally wrong, people kill themselves because of affairs, Open relationships work for many people but not everyone can share there partner. my relationship with my husband is very special I couldn't bear him to be intimate with anyone else that would be heartbreaking for me.
my husband always saying that ilove you but hes always making mistakes on me like having fun with someone he insist that he never had one. but i caught in messages that he always cheat on me especially when hes on board abt months. what will i do. should i confront. him/thats hes lying to me. have divorce, or stay and talk about being dishonesty.,./,/..
When faced with a difficult situation such as this, I always take some time to think carefully about what I truly want, and what I am willing to give up for it.
If I want the man, no matter what, then I will up my own game and try to attract him back into my arms. I will do this in a positive way and make him want to be with me. Confrontation, shouting, and anger, will only risk driving him away. But then, I must also accept that he may continue to cheat on me and that it may be a very one-sided relationship.
If I really cannot take the cheating, then I will likely confront him, see what he has to say, and see if we can work something out. If we can't then I must be prepared to leave.
It also depends on the financial situation and whether kids are involved. These will change things somewhat in terms of what we want and what we are willing to give up.
This article may also be of interest-
The awful feeling you have when suspect cheating which is lying is horrible. I’m torn at times what to do. Part of me wants it to go away, but you know it won’t. I’ve invested 2 years in a relationship and fulfilled my fidelity part, and all other parts of being an honest faithful committed partner. (By all means I’m not perfect, but I’ve never cheated) More importantly before I got involved in this relationship I expressed very clearly what I was looking for and wanted to make sure this person wanted the same. Every day is a pack of lies, deception, and a mystery. The cell phone (“I”) has been the key to the cheating. What to do? How much longer will I allow myself to be in this situation? Is it just me?
i have been with my bf common law whatever you want to call him for 10 years since i was 16 and he was 18. he was my first boyfriend my first love and my first everything. Of course i wasnt his first anything, but i was fine with that. we were both young even though i never did cheat on him he did on me. honestly it hurt so much then, i kept thinking what did i do wrong, am i not pretty enough, is it because i took to long to put out, is it because i dont know what iam doing and cant do what she did. Even though it was forever ago it still hurts as much as it did then. I feel like we grew up togeather and hey here we are 10 years later but whenever we run in to that girl once in a blue moon i feel like i want to dig a hole and shove myself in it you know. Even though everyone says you know your so much prettier than that girl on your worst day, i just cant help but think yea but he def didnt think that the night they did what they did. but iam not the type of person to keep him in the house and tell him he cant go out no never. the way i see it is if he does do something ill eventually find out (we always find out) and it will be a done deal it is what it is.
Open relationship is a good idea but in my opinion when someone cheats we should find out the reason behind it. Personally I cheated on my wife not for sexual desire, but for being in another world and experiencing a new way of life, but now I have a severe problem with having a two-world life. my suggestion is to restrain yourself and do not peak into the other worlds because by doing so you'll hurt yourself, your partner and the others. Its better to think of your relationship as a wine. the more it gets older the finer it gets, but by cheating you go to the other new wines while your wine is left open to get sour.
G-Ma Johnson Level 4 Commenter 3 years ago
Not sure what this solved but was interesting and the other person who has also read thjis and voted is the opposite all the way as me He he LOL...G-Ma :o) hugs